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→ Anyone who calls me fat goes to jail: There’s been reporting of late that Trump, 79, is a little slower than when he was first elected at age 70. First of all, as a human who has met 70 and then 79-year-olds, my answer to them is always the same: You look great. I said you look great. Great. G r e a t. As is Trump’s wont, he began calling for those reporters to go to jail. So here’s Trump this week:

After all of the work I have done with Medical Exams, Cognitive Exams, and everything else, I actually believe it’s seditious, perhaps even treasonous, for The New York Times, and others, to consistently do FAKE reports in order to libel and demean “THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.” They are true Enemies of the People, and we should do something about it.

It’s treasonous to suggest an almost-octogenarian is, in fact, old? We should do something about this immediately, the president says, asking the sun god for endless life. Boomers will Boom till they Boom Boom Pow, and when confronted with mortality, they will call for all young people to be jailed. The NYT reporters who wrote the story about Trump’s aging even have young people names: Katie and Dylan. The indignities of a Dylan documenting your decline. It would drive me crazy too. Is it a girl Dylan? God, I bet it is. One day there’ll be one of Elon’s offspring, X7!NP, writing about my bad hips and how it’s time for me to pack the column in, and I’ll be forced to hurl myself out the car window.

→ That font is too woke: The State Department is cracking down on woke typefaces. They announced this week that the Biden-era font Calibri is banned from official forms, and we’re back to Times New Roman. A serif, like what this country was built on. Calibri is the streamlined font that has no serifs, and disability activists say it’s better for them, which doesn’t really make sense to me but whatever. I guess they want it to be like braille? Or Comic Sans, to draw in all IQ levels? I write in sans serif font but the lib one (Arial) and not the libertarian one (Helvetica). Tiempos is what you’re reading right now, a handsome, sturdy font that Suzy spent eight months deciding on, and which has decorative little serifs all over the place (fascist). Secretary of State Marco Rubio writes that Biden’s switch apparently cost the department $145,000, which also doesn’t really make sense to me. But I’m just glad we’re in such a time of peace that these are the battles our State Department can fight. Good. More of this. I want our biggest wars to be over which binder clips are too feminine...