I meant to reply sooner, but the afternoon disappeared faster than I expected.
I checked the draft again, and I still think the shorter version reads better because it sounds more natural and less rehearsed. The first paragraph does the job, and the second one might be enough if you want to keep it tidy.
I also moved one sentence higher because it made the transition feel smoother to me. Nothing major changed beyond that, just cleaner wording and a better flow from one thought to the next.
If you want, I can read it one more time tonight after dinner and mark the spots that felt a little stiff on the first pass. I do not think it needs a full rewrite at all. It mostly needs a lighter touch so it sounds like you wrote it in one go rather than polishing it for too long.

I looked at the schedule again this morning, and I think tomorrow will work better than today for me.
I need a little more time to finish what is already on my desk, and I would rather give you a proper answer than rush it. If you still want the notes, send over the latest version and I can compare the two side by side.
I also remembered the other detail you mentioned last week, and that probably changes the order of things a bit. It is not a huge issue, just something worth smoothing out before seeing it again.
My only concern is the timing in the middle section because it feels slightly abrupt, but the rest seems clear and easy to follow. If you are around later, I can call for ten minutes and walk through the parts I flagged so you can decide what to keep and what to trim.